How to Never Get a Job

So you have that one coding skill, and you are really good at it. And you say you want to get a job. You say you want to improve your skills and become a better programmer. But your actions tell me otherwise, and actions always speak louder than words.

As we are entering a more complex financial environment and companies are laying a lot of people off, it has never been easier to lose your job or be unable to get a new one. In this article, I want to present to you a step-by-step approach to guarantee that you won’t get a new job.

“It has never been easier to lose your job or be unable to get a new one”

Always stick to your current tools

Be overconfident in your skills. You know enough. Have you learned JQuery in 2017? That’s great! It gets the job done and maybe you were even able to make a few portfolio websites back then. Why would you waste your time learning new technologies if the tool you already know works just fine? Sure, it creates less maintainable code in the end, isn’t as modular, and doesn’t fit the architecture of more complex modern applications — but it works. Also it’s not like the other tools like React or Vue don’t have their own problems, and why would you add problems to your life?

Don’t switch up paradigms

You are a front-end developer at heart, and nothing should force you to look at backend code. Don’t worry, the recession will end, ChatGPT will be shut down, and your skills in designing beautiful browser boxes will stay relevant forever. Don’t look into other aspects of programming like backend or DevOps or security. You don’t need that extra work time that you could instead spend on the latest Netflix series.

Wait for job offers to come to you

Let’s admit it — applying to jobs is hard. You need to maintain an always-updating resume, search for companies, go through interviews, and probably get rejected by some of them. All this is stress. Why bother applying for jobs when you can just sit back, relax, and wait for offers to come to you? I recommend you avoid all job search websites and don’t bother networking. Keep irrational hope that a job offer falls into your lap without any effort on your part.

Give up easily

In the rare case that a job offer does come to you in some miraculous way, it’s important to keep this one crucial step in mind. Whether it’s during the technical interview or the take-home task — if you ever feel stuck — give up. It’s not like they are paying you for it anyway. And the actual job pay was probably gonna be too low. Make up any other excuse you find fitting, and just get back to your own super-interesting stress-free life. This opportunity came from nowhere, so probably a lot more will come.

Never challenge yourself with coding projects

Programming is a job, it isn’t a hobby. Use your free time for stuff that’s less labor-intensive. Play video games, watch TV, and daydream about the future. You’re gonna code a lot in your future career anyway, so why bother now?
Don’t even try to contribute to Open Source. FOSS is a scam. You shouldn’t code for other people for free. Just use what the open-source community creates and never give back.

Stay on the surface

Don’t bother with the intricacies of the tools you are using. Why would you learn how React works under the hood, or how TCP handshakes work? Who cares how your Language Server communicates with your editor? Treat all of these as a black box and never look deeply into it. If it ever breaks, it’s not your problem — it’s the problem of the person who made it in the first place. Going back to the first point — stick to the tools you know, including your editor. Vim or Emacs or these other extensible customizable editors are a nerdy waste of time — you’re better than that.

Ignore the benefits of content creation

On the topic of never giving back, you shouldn’t educate others either. You are good at what you do so you should guard your secrets. So why waste your time creating content like blog posts, tutorials, or even tweets? Don’t bother contributing to the community or building your personal brand. Ignore the fact that content creation can lead to professional opportunities and help establish your expertise in the industry. Remember, staying in your comfort zone and never sharing your knowledge is the secret to staying ahead of the curve.

Avoid professional development opportunities

By this time you are almost guaranteed to not get a job. But just to put the nail in the coffin you should avoid all professional development opportunities. This includes networking, making friends who are also programmers, and participating in hackathons. You should also ignore any programming content on the internet like courses or free YouTube videos. Don’t bother participating in anything that could potentially enhance your skills, knowledge, or brand image.

At the end of the article, I wanna remind you that life is short. You are not always going to have a tomorrow. Enjoy today, and make sure you spend as much time as possible not working. Get out of bed late in the day, never exercise, scroll social media. Make maximizing your instant gratification dopamine levels your highest priority. Dopamine is the happiness drug, so maximizing it is the secret to eternal happiness.

If you enjoyed this article you can find its accompanying video on YouTube.